Bakemonogatari


For my 10th entry in my “12 moments in anime 2009” I’m choosing the philandering ways of Touya from the White Album series.

 

       In the harem themed anime of the past such as Ranma ½ and Tenchi Muyo the guy at the center of the harem had many redeeming qualities that would lead the girls surrounding him to want his DNA. The harem leads from the past weren’t pathic punching bags for all the tsundere chicks in his harem like Keitaro was from Love Hina, and I could no more picture either Tenchi or Ranma getting slapped around by all the women in their lives as I could ever picture myself putting up with any of my former girlfriends/lovers slapping me around to show me that they love me.

 

      So, what the hell happened to the harem genre and their males leads over the intervening years? Well, my personal theory is that in the past, anime in general was targeted and viewed by a larger general audience, and those shows made back their production costs, and then some, by being popular enough to actually make money off of commercial advertising. So, as television audiences and anime audience’s numbers began to slip the production companies had to reley on sales of VHS tapes and later DVD sales to make a profit. 

      This situation led to these types of anime being targeted towards the hardcore buyers of DVDs and away from trying to attract a large diverse audience. So, where we once had male leads of harem type anime where female viewers liked them and male viewers looked up to and aspired to be like them we’re now left with male leads who are avatars for lonely/sexually impotent male viewers who spend more money on anime then getting laid.

 

        Even in a harem anime such as Bakemonogatari where the male lead, Koyomi, is a pretty tough hard core guy and surrounded by attractive females who are available, he’s sexually impotent. Koyomi gropes Mayoi and both enjoys himself and loathes himself for the act but can go no further, he leers at Nadeko who’s attracted to him and available but does nothing, and even when he finally gets Hitagi as a girlfriend he practically had to get dragged kicking and screaming to their first date, she did all the work. Then we have other harem type anime such as Kiss X Sis, Kanokon, and Kiss on my Deity where the male leads practically have pussy shoved in their faces everyday and they’re so pitiful and impotent it’s no wonder why Japan has a negative/zero population growth problem judging by how these males react to women.

Loser #1

Loser #2

Loser #3

 

       So, all this ranting brings be to Touya from White Album, the hero of this post. While Touya may be many negative things such as; a very bad boyfriend to Yuki, a man-whore, a liar, an unreliable person, and a piece of shit, he’s certainly not impotent. When Touya gets that loving feeling he’s not contented with a little panty shot, he wants what’s underneath that thin piece of cotton, and he knows where his sausage belongs. Out of the six main girls in Touya’s harem he’s filled the love canal of three of the six girls (Yayoi, Misaki, and Haruka), and made out with two of the remaining three (Rina and Yuki).

Hit Yayoi many times.

Hit Misaki and left it.

Hit Haruka and left it.

Kissed Rina and wanted to hit it.

Yuki, the girlfriend, kissed her and been trying to hit it the whole series.

       So, in the spirit of the awards season Touya wins the erect penis award for knowing how a man should react to readily available lonely women. Yes, Touya’s shining example should be a guiding light to all males involved in harem situations: Yes, Keitaro you should have slammed every chick before settling on Nauru; Yes, Keita you should bang both Riko and Ako before picking one; Yes, Kouta you should have deflower both Chizuru and Nozomu; Yes, Yuuri you should really taste Mashiro and all the other girls around you; and Yes, Koyomi you should have acted first by picking a girl and doing something; you’re all losers compared to Touya.

All male harem leads please read the following advice.

Today is like every other day that came before. Boring, unchanging, the same as every other, except, today you glance skyward.

You have to look once, twice, three times, are your eyes lying to you.

No, your eyes aren’t lying to you, it’s a girl you see falling from the sky.

Now, comes the most important decision of your young life, stand there like you’ve done on every other day of your boring existence and let life pass you by, or reach out for change, the future, the unknown. You decide to reach out.

As she’s almost in your arms, you wonder is it a girl, or an angel, or both, or something else?

As she settles in your arms, you’re amazed at how light this beautiful creature is. Is she a girl, or is she a fallen angel? Who knows.

As you slowly pull this fallen angel towards you, you can hear the slow intake of her breath, and feel the warm pulse of life flowing through her body, hold on tight because your life will never be the same again!

the Bakemonogatari Harem

      About every year or so, a harem type anime series , or at least a anime series that is loaded with girls comes along that makes me wish that I was about the main character’s age and had my choice of those girls. Examples of anime from the past where I would have wanted to have my choice of the girls are; Love Hina, Kanon, Clannad, KimiKiss, Ai Yori Aoshi, Shuffle, Azumanga Daioh, Da Capo, Lucky Star, and now my newest favorite Bakemonogatari.

      I think that the reason why I like these kind of series is that in my younger days, me and my friends were kind of like those harem leads; a little clueless and confused about the fairer sex. But, unlike those Japanese male harem leads we were horny dogs, and any fairly nice looking girl was a target of opportunity, almost nothing was off limits. I think that this phase lasted up until about age 20 when I finally realized that was more to an relationship than getting a girl to jump in the sack with me. But, these harem type anime make me long of those good old days, and what makes these series interesting is that the girls are ready for the taking if the lead would just get off his ass and go for it.

     So, this brings me to Bakemonogatari, I find the cast of girls surrounding Koyomi to be quite an interesting bunch and tasty bunch. Now, I’ll go down and describe each girls in detail, and at the end, I’ll make my choice.

The girls of Bakemonogatari.

Karen and Tsukihi Araragi

Karen and Tsukihi Araragi (Koyami’s younger sisters)

Pluses: Well, they’re both young and cute, and they live in the same house as you making them highly available.

Minuses: If you even consider them you must be crazy, they’re your sisters for god sakes.

Conclusion: While his sisters are really cute, they’re totally off limits for you. I think that the best thing to happen would be if Koyomi had some males friends that found his sisters attractive then maybe they’d stop riding his ass if they got a little loving.

Senjougahara Hitagi

Hitagi Senjōgahara (the star of the fascination movement)

Pluses: She’s very attractive, and she one of the very few tsundere girls to even admit to having that trait, she’s straight forward, and hell, she’s even undressed in front of you. She’s told you that she loves you, and she’s agreed to be your GF.

Minuses: I don’t know, but something just bothers me about her, while I find her an extremely interesting girl, she still has major issues.

Conclusion: While I wouldn’t mind hitting that, I’d always have to keep one eye open in case she snaps.

Nadeko Sengohu

Nadeko Sengoku (friend of your sisters)

Pluses: Nadeko is young and cute, you see her quite often because she’s your younger sisters’ friend, and she’s clearly crushing on you.

Minuses: Nadeko is about three or four years younger than you, and she’s a friend of your younger sisters. If you dated Nadeko you would be accused of robbing the cradle, and your sisters might think that you’re an asshole.

Conclusion: Nadeko is clearly attracted to you, and you’ve know her for a longtime, so this could be a high risk/reward relationship.

Hanekawa Tsubasa

Tsubasa Hanekawa (Koyomi’s long time friend)

Pluses: Tsubasa is very attractive,  intelligent, quiet and thoughtful, and she’s your long time friend. You also know that Tsubasa struggles with her inner nature to be a completely good girl, and that deep down inside she wants to be a little wild.

Minuses: Tsubasa has a terrible family life, and you know that she’s the subject of occasional physical abuse and maybe even worse things.

Conclusion: For all her problems Tsubasa is literally the girl next door type, and even better she harbors a hidden wild side. This is almost the perfect situation; with you, Tsubasa could unleash her hidden wild child and let off all her hidden desires to your benefit making for some rewarding study sessions.

Suragu Kanbaru

Suruga Kanbaru (you stole her crush)

Pluses: Suruga is very athletic, strong, and attractive.

Minuses: Suruga is a raging lesbian who’s attracted to your GF.

Conclusion: Are you crazy, leave this one alone because she tried to kill you once before.

Shinobu Oshino

Shinobu Oshino (the loli vampire)

Pluses: She was once a smoking hot vampire, and now, well……..she’s quite a loli.

Minuses:  Shinobu’s a almost totally catatonic loli vampire, and she’s not good for much interaction.

Conclusion: While it’s only a small step to take from sharing your blood with her to sharing other personal fluids I don’t see this relationship being very rewarding.

Mayoi Hachikuji

 Mayoi Hachikuji (the lost snail)

Pluses: Mayoi, literally is the true eternal loli, while you get older she stays the same.

Minuses: Well, first of all, she’s dead, and secondly while never getting older might be a plus, it would be kind of weird having a ghost loli as a GF as you got older.

Conclusion: While having a ghost loli for a GF might be fun and safe since I don’t think that statutory rape laws apply to dead girls that no one else can see, I think having Mayoi appear and disappear would be quite annoying. Plus, don’t piss her off, because she’s got one hell of a bite, ouch!

The winner of my Bakemonogatari harem prize goes to……………………….

My winner is Nadeko

      While it was a tough choice picking what girl I would want if I was Koyomi, it came down to a three way race between Nadeko, Tsubasa, and Hitagi with me choosing Nadeko as my winner.

      One of the biggest deciding factors came down to the simple fact that out of all the girls Nadeko seemed to be the most normal of the whole bunch, and that her supernatural problem was a result of other peoples problems with her, and not her having a major personal/family issue.

        Another factor in this decision was one of the emotional age/maturity level between Nadeko and Koyomi (and boys and girls in general). So, while Koyomi is several years older than Nadeko he’s really at about the same maturity level as she’s currently at. Koyomi’s a virgin boy who’s clearly attracted to Nadeko, and she’s a virgin girl who clearly is attracted to him, so I thinks it’s a perfect match. All they have to do is keep their relationship on the QT for a year or so, and then after another year or two when Koyomi’s a college junior and Nadeko’s a high school senior all people will say is that they make a cute couple and wonder if they’ll be invited to the wedding in a year or so.

      Plus, if I was Koyomi’s age, I wouldn’t mind it a bit to come home to find  Nadeko waiting for me dressed as below, Sweet!

Welcome home Koyomi